Today, on one of my tech writer lists, someone posted a link to this website where the rules of Klingon tech writing are documented.
In case this list ever disappears, gets moved, whatever, I’ve reproduced it here, with thanks to whoever put it together! (My favourite is #4.)
Klingon Technical Writers
The top 16 things likely to be overheard if you had Klingon technical writers working on your documentation team:
- Klingons do not sit in meetings, we take what we want and kill anyone who opposes us!
- Certification?! Taking your head and putting it on a pike in my office is all the certification I need!
- I will return to the homeworld and my documentation will arise triumphant in the STC Documentation Gauntlet, leaving all others drowning in their own dangling modifiers. It will be glorious!!
- Not returning my review copies by the agreed deadline is a declaration of war. Indeed, it is a good day to die.
- These software specifications are for the weak and timid!!
- This version of Word is a piece of GAGH! I need the latest version of Framemaker if I am to do battle with this manual.
- You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.
- Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
- What is this talk of “drafts”? Klingons do not make document “drafts”. Our documents escape, leaving a bloody trail of SMEs in its wake!
- Passive voice is a sign of weakness. Its elimination will be quick.
- Proofreading? Klingons do not proofread. Our documents are purified with pain-sticks which cleanses the documents of impurities.
- I have challenged the entire Marketing and R&D team to a Bat-Leh contest! They will not concern us again.
- A TRUE Klingon warrior riddles his document with bullets, leaving it to beg for mercy.
- By changing the layout of my manual, you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
- You question the worthiness of my grammar? I should kill you where you stand!
- Our users will know fear and cower before our suite of manuals and online help! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!